A Serious Problem

I sit here and reflect as I have just read her latest blog post, and think of something Sam said yesterday when she visited and then again as I have just read her latest blog post also.

Depression--its an interesting thing.



Feeling SAD.

Feeling UNINTERESTED.

Feeling ANGRY.

Feeling GUILT.

Feeling INFERIOR.

Feeling USELESS.

Feeling LONELY.




Sometimes people don't even realize that that is what may be making their lives feel disjointed. It can manifest itself through anger, discouragement, physical pain and a myriad of other things. I have dealt with it for many years.

I find myself feeling as Becky did today--unable to relax and just play. I have to be up doing something, so that when my hubby comes home I can explain myself. But, time and time again I learn that he doesn't want explanation. He doesn't care if the house is a wreck and never has. I realize I am the one who actually cares and all I am trying to do by "explaining" myself is try to get the reaction out of him that I have played over and over again in my mind that he will say. I am the one who talks myself into thinking he will form a certain judgement about me.

Sam said yesterday when I expressed my usual guilty feelings of "I don't bring in any income, therefor I am not qualified to spend the money on myself, or needlessly on the girls or offer suggestions about job stuff." That is usually the gist of my guilt these days. She made the point that I am saving our family so much money and time by doing what I do. When did the life of the SAHM become so degrading and discouraged. A lady whose house we visited this afternoon so Bro. Mo. could fix their computer was on the brink of disgust when she learned that I still breastfeed the twins at 9 months of age. Hm.

On Daring Young Mom's blog I was a little relieved to see that someone I have developed a nice opinion about deals with these same issues. Depression is a suffocating disease that many people don't understand. We cannot "just snap out of it" or "smile" or "be positive." It is a vicious cycle of "I wish I could be happy like her" or "What is wrong with me" to the more serious stages of "I don't deserve you" and "Why do you stay with me? You could do so much better." Bro. Mo. has heard all these statements so many times. I am sorry I say them every time and consciously realize I am saying them even when I really don't want to. I long so very much to be happy and comfortable with "just playing" with my girls, and proud of the choice I have made to be a SAHM and feel no guilt in doing so and I long to be rid of the self-esteem issues that come with this mental illness.


On a lighter note, the twins are 9 months old today. Izzy is over 20 pounds and Livvy is over 18 pounds. Crawling or very close to it, babbling Ma-Ma and Da-Da and making us smile every time we look at them. Were they ever this small?