Disappearing Act

It may or may not have been said recently.......

that it seems I have fallen off the face of the earth.

I have been mulling over and over in my mind for the past few weeks what I would say whence I returned the the Land of Blog. "How will I ever explain my absence?" As if I were speaking to a vast concourse of people who were ultimately bedazzled with my life.

My lack of thrilling posts has been due to the assumption that if I tell about my recent escapades in life, that I would be too tempted to blurt out our plans. But that is absurd. Because I have told people what we are up to. So why can I not pen the words? What is it about writing down the thing you want most to have happen, that makes the reality seem unattainable. In other words, I guess I have been afraid to jinx our plans.

What plans, you may ask?

We are buying our first house. That's right. We have ventured into that unknown that your parents can't teach you. A part of life that has always scared me. A part of life that you can only learn by doing.

Most parts of life are learned by doing. So why has this scared me so much? Why did the bidding wars, the endless waiting to find out if we "won" the house, more waiting, more waiting, countless "things that came up," inspection, more waiting, loan approval, more waiting, and now the thing that has most recently beset us---the appraisal. We were told yesterday that it was fine. Then we got the call today that it was not. So now we wait. AGAIN.

And I have become numb to the whole situation. My natural tendencies tell me to constantly worry and stew about every. little. thing. that I cannot possibly control. Yet...today I was not worried. The last two months have etched into my mind a paralyzing procrastination effect. I have been hesitant to pack. Fear. I have been hesitant to clean. Fear. I have endured endless phone conversations and trips to Bro. Mo.'s office to fax things. I no longer know how to sign my name legibly. Money seems to fly out of every cranny.

But in the underlying moments of each day there were dreams of the house. Sleepless nights. Paint colors. Furniture options. Landscaping visions.

And..........

I have not posted about the twins' 2nd birthday. Or Valentine's Day. Or our 10th anniversary. Or our trip to the air show. Or coloring Easter eggs. Or anything. And I have regret. Regret for not journaling our lives. Now I must play catch-up. Now I must delve into the black holes of my mind where memories disappear with rapid fervor. All because of my clueless attempt to avoid fate.

I still hesitate to post pix of the house. Or to relay details about it. We are awaiting (hopefully our last) notice that the bank will approve the lowering of the sales price to the amount the appraisal came back at. So excitement will have to wait another day.

But for now, at least, I am back.