Fear of the current?

Ever have that feeling that something is wrong but you can't put a finger on it? It brings your spirit low and then you start to not feel well. I have been riddled all my married life and for lots of it before I was married by stress. Stress is my friend. When I know I could be laughing at a situation, stress reminds me that I am not allowed to, because... then I wouldn't be stressing anymore.




Stress weakens my emotional defenses, my physical determination and my spiritual discipline. I don't want to be happy. Sometimes I think I am happier being miserable. So I wallow. I wallow in my pity parties where I am my own guest. I swim upstream through my thoughts bumping into the logs and trash and debris that bombard me trying to get to the bottom of the stream faster than I can get upstream. Problem is, I will never get upstream. My debris in life will always conquer me as long as I go against the current. The current that I should be following. Reading my scriptures daily, praying constantly, exercising, eating something more normal than just apple pie or banana bread all day and not wasting away my day wishing for the twins naptime so I can take one myself.




Are you depressed? Well, duh!





I have been for many years. But, I have become so comfortable in that shell. Because a shell is all I have left most of the time. I don't exist the way I used to anymore. When my DH tells me to go do something I enjoy, I laugh. Because I don't know what I enjoy anymore. When I read a story like this and see a mother pleading with all her readers to pray for her son, I think to myself





"What will my prayer do? Everyone else will pray and mine won't even matter."


Same goes for politics.


"Please vote and change our city council," they all say to me. "Why? How the heck is my one vote going to change anything?"




Or in my church calling. Yes, I beleive the Lord called me to it for a reason. I am the Compassionate Service leader. Trouble is, I have no compassion.




"We need a meal for the 15th time for so and so."




Well, I just want to scream, "They know how to drive themselves to every single ward function that serves a meal, but can't make it to church? They sure as heck can stand in a kitchen and bake a frozen pizza. They don't need anymore. I don't want to ask anyone else. I'm tired."





Sounds cold and heartless huh? Well, that is my view of myself. When Bro. Mo. came to me with a plan to do the FHE lesson next week on using kind words and rewarding the kids for learning to listen for everyone's kindness to others, I thought to myself: "Yeah, I will be the one they concentrate the most on for unkind words." It has become a real problem and I really don't like myself.




I need to start swimming with the current again.






Ramblings of a ..................oh , what am I?